Goodbye For Now Dear Friend, We Shall Meet Again.

I don't really share about my personal life but today, I lost a dear friend.

You know that kind of person that never really leave your life? 

That friend that no matter what happens, will always gravitate back into your life especially when you are having a hard time?

That kind of friend that says they miss you and then googled your name to see what picture of you that might come up?

Yes, he is that kind of friend. And now he has left me for good.

Our path first crossed many-many years ago, at a time when I was at my lowest. 

We were from a different world. Mine was rose-tinted, safe, and secure. While his world was shadier and truly complicated. 

Our personality was also of the polar opposite. I was the serious and disciplined type and he is free-spirited, just kinda breezing through life. Carefree, funny, and a soft-spoken guy.

Sometimes things just clicked.

7 years ago, we dated briefly and in that short time, I learned so much about life outside of my bubble. Of all the guys I dated, he is the only one that remained a good friend to me up until now.

I did mentioned him a few times in this blog. Most notably this one post.

I'm gonna repost these words from him over and over again.

"kenapa you nak sedih? Dia yang rugi sebab dia tak nak kenal you, tak nak kawan dengan you. They didn't have the privilege to know you like how I know you. To fall in love with your smile like I do. I never regret the moment I decided to befriend you. It was the best decision. It's his loss he can't see what is in front of him and it was my mistake letting you go a few years ago."

There was one time I had a birthday party and I remembered clearly how excited he was helping me to organize it and bought me a birthday cake.

Of course, throughout the years, because of life and relationships, we lost contact. But no matter what, somehow he will always gravitate back into my life. 

I remembered one time after so long of not speaking to each other, he called me and told me he was at the hospital looking after his father. And not long after that, informed me that his father had passed away.

I know this is a big deal because he always looked up to his father and adored him. 

2016, gerai tepi jalan changkat

He was a good listener and motivator. The kind of person that you will feel so much better after talking to him, that understands instead of judging you. He just accepts you truly for who you are.

I was feeling a bit upset just recently and reached out to him. 

"I doakan you baik baik sentiasa. Segala kebaikan dalam dunia ni bersama you sampai kiamat. You jangan sedih-sedih tau, nanti tak cantik. You have to be strong, I know you are. I pun sedih jugak lately. Nasib baik ada kawan-kawan."

I'm gonna read and re-read these last few messages from him whenever I needed a reminder.

He had a sports injury about 3 months ago and was also telling me he might be experiencing some depression/anxiety. 

I don't know. I wish I could do more than just offering words of encouragement.

The last we communicated was 9 days ago. If only I knew. If only I knew he would be gone so soon, I would have asked him how is he holding up.

Too late, too little. 

It was a self-accident. Looking at the pictures sent to me, it seems like a simple fall from the bike and just minor cuts on his foot. But apparently, the internal head injury was so severe he had to be put on a ventilator.

And he passed away today, 12/7/2021. Exactly one month to his 30th birthday. 

Time and time again, I'm reminded how fragile and short life is. How one person can be talking and laughing with you this morning and gone the next day.

I accept wholeheartedly that we all will die someday and it's not something that I fear but every time it happens to someone dear to me, it still affects me. A lot. 

I guess it serves as a reminder to treat all your loved ones kindly as if today is their last day because it might be. It reminds me to always tell my loved ones how much they mean to me. 

When I thought of him and start feeling sad, in my head I know what he will say to me, clear as day in that jovial nature

"You jangan sedih-sedih tau, nanti tak cantik. Jangan risau pasal I, I okay je."

HJ, thank you for being a good friend to me all these years. You will always have a special place in my heart. Rest in peace now and I believe you are in a better place united with your father. Until we meet again...