Cik Panda Dibelakang Ice Box

After the first date HERE, we met a few days later at a mamak shop after I'm done with gym and he's done with futsal.

As usual, we were laughing and talking. Teasing and flirting is a must when suddenly he said

"You know, you are laughing and joking but deep down I can feel that you are actually sad. Like you are hiding something."

"What makes you say that?"

"I don't know. It's just that I can feel this vibe from you. I can see it in your eyes that you are sad. You can tell me you know."

Speechless sekejap Cik Panda. I don't know what to say because I don't actually know what makes me sad. It's combination of a lot of things and happenings for the past few months or even years. 

Then he asked me "What actually do you want?"

How do I tell him that I'm scared that he will turn out to be like most of the guys I've met, a JERK? You think you found someone you connected with then suddenly they go MIA.

I like being friends with him, working out together and I enjoy the companionship. How do I tell him I'm scared of losing a friend like him? As much as I like my freedom, it's nice to have a companion once in a while. 

Or how do I tell him that I'm sad because although there could be a million guys chasing after me but I only want one person and that person is ignoring me?

So I told him this

"I want a partner in crime. You know, someone I can talk to, laugh with, do things with, like a best friend but with that physical attraction. Not boyfriend or that kind of stuff."

"So you want a friend with benefit?"

Noooo. FWB sounds degrading. Actually I'm kinda confused myself. I want all the perks of having a boyfriend but I dread the commitment part, of heartache, stress, anxiety and jealousy. 

He gave me a hug and apologized, seeing I was quite upset. 

"Why do you apologize? It's not your fault."

"I feel that I need to. And I'm sorry if what I said or did made you sad or made you think I'm like the rest."

He really scares me you know. Because he can see right through the facade that I put up. 

We were at the counter paying for our food, and I was ready to pay for mine when he said

"Can I pay it for you?"

Awww. See what I mean? Susahlah Cik Panda macam ni.

And then when I was at the gym locker room, these two girls were talking. One of them is quite young, early twenties and the other probably late twenties. On few occasions, I've often heard this young girl gave another lady advice on boyfriends and I was like 

"OMG. you are so young and you are advicing an older person. What do you know about man by the way. Duhhhh."

So they were chit chatting and I could only hear snippets of their conversation

"bla bla..It's a good excuse for shopping. But my boyfriend don't understand."

"ya! I told my boyfriend the other day. bla bla bla.."

"Same! My boyfriend said this and that. bla bla bla bla...."

Cik Panda perlahan-lahan bergerak ke belakang, tutup lampu dan duduk di sudut locker room, dalam gelap sambil mengenang nasib diri....