Dalam perhubungan manusia, tidak kiralah kawan, kekasih, keluarga, rakan sekerja dan sebagainya, ada yang positif dan membuatkan kita berasa gembira
Dan ada pulak yang membuatkan kita jadi negatif, seolah-olah orang itu menyedut segala positivity/good vibes.
Ini adalah orang yang kita panggil emotional vampire. They are someone who drains your energy.
Ini cerita tentang F, si emotional vampire yang mental.
Siapakah F dan apakah kisah dia sebelum ini? Uols boleh baca kat SINI
Si F ni uols dah berenti jadi PT. Katanya sebab bapaknya nak dia balik Penang, interview polis.
K fine.
Lepas tu selalu cakap kat CPPS dia sebenarnya tak nak jadi polis, nak jadi PT sebab suka bantu orang jadi lebih sihat, achieve healthier life gitu kan
"Eh tapi jadi polis pun boleh bantu orang kan?"
" Ye la you tapi I takut la tengok ramai sangat yang makan rasuah etc. I tak nak la jadi macam tu."
K fine.
Tapi malangnya rezeki dia tiada disitu so dia tak dapatlah masuk polis tu.
So he was jobless for few months before he got another interview, kerja gomen. Lepas tu selalu cakap kat CPPS dia harap sangat dapat kerja gomen ni. Siap suruh iols doakan dia hokayy.
Iols pun doakanlah. Ye lah sebab iols tau macam mana rasanya menganggur, tau macam mana susahnya nak dapat kerja.
Tapi mungkin doa iols tak cukup power, dia pun tak dapatlah panggilan untuk jawatan gomen tersebut.
Maka, dia masih dalam fasa jobless.
Selama iols bertexting dengan dia, iols ni dah macam pakar motivasi, pakar sakit jiwa, psychologist all in one lah!
Beberapa bulan lepas, dia cuma text sekali sekala bertanya khabar. Tetapi sejak sebulan dua ni, semakin kerap.
Dalam sebulan ni hampir setiap hari text iols. Bila iols tak reply, dia akan hantar text bertalu-talu. Iols pun reply ala kadar, ye lah, malas kan nak layan. Paling tak boleh blah dia mula pakai ayat that reeks of neediness.
Contoh situasinya begini:
Dia tanya iols dinner apa. Iols cakap je la masak sardin, senang dan cepat.
"Nak sikit sardin tu"
"Tak nak"
"Dekut...." Amboi ingat comel la dekut?!
Iols tak reply dah lepas tu sebab rasa perbualan tersebut agak merepek.
Tiba-tiba tengah malam dia anta lagi text
"Goodnight. I tido dengan perut kelaparan malam ni sebab ada orang tu tak nak share sardin dia (insert emoji sedih dan mintak penampar)"
PUIHHHHHH. INGAT COMEL!?!?!
Memang iols tak reply la sampai kesudah kan. Tetapi dia memang gigih, keesokkan paginya dia text good morning, tanya dah breakfast belum.
Dia text pukul 9am, iols reply 5pm. Kah!
Everyday, this kind of interaction with him gets very exhausting and overwhelming. With each and every day, I started to feel that he began to depend on me emotionally.
In my eyes, he become needy.
Even as just a friend, when someone depends on you emotionally, to make them happy is such a heavy burden.
And because I'm a very nice person, I said I needed time and space to be on my own because I felt overwhelmed.
But I did not tell him why.
Dia cakap "Okay I understand. Tapi just nak tanya, overwhelm sebab I ke?"
"A lot of things. I don't want to talk about it."
Gila kau tak overwhelmed?!
Tiap saat, tiap minit, tiap jam nak text. Dah tu perbualan yang kurang memberangsangkan minda, kurang menarik. Lepas tu acah-acah manja, comel.
Come on la. I don't have time and energy for this shit.
Keesokkan harinya lagi, dia text jugak walaupun iols dah cakap I NEED SPACE
"Hey I know u said u need time on your own and i hope u doing fine. And thanks a lot cause u help me go through hard stuff before, and if you have anything to talk I'm here okay"
"Sure. Thanks"
Adoiii. Ai is migraine manusia macam ni. Keesokkan harinya dia text lagi!
MAIGAWDDDD. SO ANNOYING!
"Demolition 2015. Please watch it. Goodnight"
Just a short text, asking me to watch a movie. Of course I did not reply.
After a week, he texted "Hey" and because I don't feel so annoyed I replied "Hey"
"Buat apa tu"
"Bawak adik I jalan-jalan"
"Oo, I mengganggu ke nie?"
KO GHASA?!!??!?!?
If somebody who is not needy, their reply most of the time will be " Okay have fun! Text me later when you are free ya."
Mestilah mengganggu! Ko rasa masa aku tengah jalan-jalan tu, aku kena mengadap phone je reply message ko ke?
Dia mengharap iols reply
"Eh tak lah. tak menganggu pun. Okay je nak text."
Memang idok ler!!
"Kalau I sempat reply, I reply la. Kalau lambat tu faham2 lah. hehe"
"It's okay. Ikut u. nak reply, reply la"
"Hahah. Takkanlah I asyik dengan phone je kan."
"I tahu. Sorry. Don't mind me. A little bit cranky today. "
Mamat ni agaknya jenis tak boleh hadam subtle hints, bahasa tersirat kot so iols just cakap terus terang kenapa iols menjauhkan diri.
"If you are feeling a little bit cranky, you buat la something that makes you happy, that does not involved a person. One of the reason I feel overwhelmed is i feel you are starting to depend on me emotionally. And I can't cater to that. I'm trying to help you and being honest here.I know you feel down sekarang but you need to do something to make yourself feel worth by doing something for yourself, do small achievements, something that makes you happy everyday "
Hambik. Karangan teruih iols bagi.
"Ok. U are the reason I'm happy. After what that person said to me. It hurts too much. Pernah ada orang cakap you u piece of shit? sampah. Perlekehkan u depan-depan. It ease my pain when I text you cause of your positive attitude."
This is one of the things that he always whined about. How a girl, probably someone he likes, calls him a piece of shit. Berbuih dah mulut iols suruh dia move on and jangan ambik hati benda tu tapi memang dia ni bebal kot.
Ek eleh. Dia ingat positive attitude tu main beli je kat supermarket?!
It's something that even the most positive person on earth has to work for. Maybe some people are born with it but I believe most of us choose to be positive.
"That's where you are wrong. Happiness does not depend on another person. Like I said, semua orang ada struggle masing-masing. I pernah kena maki, kena tunjuk kat muka cakap FUCK YOU I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN, and treated like shit. But if you know your worth, you wouldn't take into heart what people say about you. You need to learn to love yourself. And nobody is going to make you happy except yourself. I cakap betul ni"
"I'm not strong like you. Bukan I tak pernah try do all those things."
"I don't have a choice but to be strong. You have to be strong."
"I don't want to talk about it anymore. Bye."
TIBAHHHH. Meroyan lepas tu merajuk pegi nangis kat bucu katil la tuuuu.
"See. I'm trying to help you but your attitude macam ni"
"How can you help me?? First of all I don't ask you to help me. I just want you to stay beside me while I fix myself. If you can't it's okay. I do this on my own."
Daripada iols bergaduh dengan mamat mental ni, baik iols tak reply.
So needy and emotionally unstable.
And that is the danger of an idle mind. Being jobless is not an issue, but the issue is when your mind is idle and you start to overthink.
Kalau tengah menganggur pun, boleh je kan buat kerja freelance, niaga kecil-kecilan, buat apa-apa je lah supaya minda kita sentiasa aktif dan cerdas.
Bukannya duduk mereput lepas tu meroyan tak tentu pasal. Wallowing in self-pity. Lepas tu mintak belas kasihan daripada orang lain.
EIIiiii come on la. A needy person, be it man or woman is repulsive and unattractive okay. Baca ni why being needy is a no no.
There are a few lessons in this very long post:
 |
| Happiness depends on yourself - You decide to be happy. It does not depends on relationships, job, money etc. To place your happiness on someone's hand is very depressing and WRONG. It's in your hands. Nobody can make you happy until you make yourself happy first. Do something you love everyday, no matter how small it is. For me, dancing, zumba, reading, gardening and watching my plants grow makes me happy. Mundane and auntyish right? But it made me happy so who cares. |
 |
| Learn to love yourself first before you can learn to love anyone else - Very cliche but very true. People often forgot the most important relationship of all is the one that we have with ourselves. The more you love yourself, the less nonsense you will tolerate. Self love also means that you have to be smart as who to spend your time and energy with. If that person does not contribute to your growth, do not waste time. |
Okay so back to F si emotional vampire mental, after few hours, again he texted me and apologized for what he said earlier.
AND TEXTED ME AGAIN THE NEXT DAY
"Hey. I'm sorry about what I said. I guess this is part of life where everyone had to go through at some point. I guess you gone through much more than me. If you can be strong, I think it's possible for me to do the same."
I know la iols ni very good listener but why do I always attract emotionally damaged, manusia kurang kasih sayang sebegini?
Oh God why.
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