The "C" Word

It's cancer..It is a word that is terrifying, devastating and heart-breaking. It is a word that immediately associates with suffering, pain and death. It's getting more and more common to hear someone being diagnosed with cancer. Almost as common as a heart attack or diabetes. Of course we know what are the risk factors of cancers like smoking, alcohol, unhealthy lifestyles and such but sometimes those who took good care of themselves got cancer too.

History of cancer runs in my family. My maternal grandfather died of lung cancer, my paternal auntie died of colon cancer and my dad loses a battle with the most terminal of all cancers, liver cancer.

My dad was a healthy man who seldom got sick but when he did, it's often serious. 1 or 2 years before he was diagnosed with liver cancer, he frequently got ill. He complained of difficulty in walking and slowly, his leg muscles got smaller and smaller. I was studying away from home and when i got back for holidays, he got thinner and thinner by the day. Scans were done and doctors said it was a slipped disc impinging on the nerves, causing pain and muscle atrophy. We were relieved. However further test was conducted and revealed that cancer cells has metastasized to the vertebrae. This couldn't be good. Finally, he was diagnosed with liver cancer. Being in the medical field, i know this is bad news. Liver cancer does not get detected early. once it is detected, it is often too late. It is terminal, incurable. But we were hopeful (or in denial?) for my dad to get better. He went under various treatment. Both traditional and modern.

Since the first day i studied away from home, my dad without fail will call me almost everyday. There were times when my roommate would ask who i talked to so softly and romantic on the phone. I remembered it was my birthday. He called and said "If i'm healthy, i would have gone and visited you.". He deteriorated fast. Always in and out of the hospitals. I went home as much as i can. It is heart-breaking to see the first man you love, who's always so strong and independent, shrinking and became helpless in front of you. It is so devastating to see someone who's always so active became bedridden and needed help in even the littlest of things. There was once when i looked after him in the hospital when the doctors were doing their rounds and i overheard the medical officer said to his specialist "This is so and so..he's here for palliative care." which literally means "he's here for pain-relieving...and his time is near." It is heart-breaking.

Till this day, i'm so grateful that i managed to see him one last time before he passed. He got worse and i flew home first thing in the morning. It was getting harder for him to breath and the lightest of touch is painful for him. He asked what time my flight was and have i eaten. My mum asked me to accompany her at the hospital that night but my dad asked me to go home. I guessed he did not want me to see him dying. I went home and asked mum to let me know if there's anything. It was just after i finished my prayer that night around 12am when i heard a loud buzz from downstairs, as if someone had just turn off the tv in the living room. Immediately after that, i received a text from mum telling me my dad had passed away...could it be him visiting me one last time?

No words can describe how devastating it is to lose a loved one. In a way, we are happy that he no longer suffered. When i dream of him, he's always smartly dressed, happy and healthy and that's how we are going to remember him. And i know he's watching over us right now...

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